My WANT Journey!

So I know that I have said a million times that I need to and want to lose weight. 

So, how is today different? 

I was with my daughter at the sign in for volleyball camp and the coach said something to start the camp that really struck me. 

She said, "You have to look in the mirror and WANT to take care of you."

So, I started to really look at my fat years and what started it and why I have let it go on. I look back on the last 16 years of my life and I have been fat...I mean REALLY FAT! I was not a fat child or a fat teen. I let myself get this way and I believe that I am beginning to come to the realization of why. I have to put this out there, you have to know that this is extremely difficult for me. I am embarrassed, sad and scared. I know that I need to get down to the "nitty gritty" (thank you Nacho!) I am finding that for me I need to express myself in a way that I have not done before, and that is complete and utter honesty. I am not saying that I am not an honest person, I just need to be completely honest with myself. 

I have not WANTED to take care of myself.

I got pregnant and had a baby, did not lose the baby weight. It was not that I did not know how to, it just was not a priority. My daughter was the priority, as it should be. I went on and had 2 more kids and my entire focus was them. I felt like if I took time to myself then it would be taking it away from the time I needed to spend with them. 
I had some not so wonderful things happen in my life and the priority shifted to survival mode. To survive meant to put myself on the back burner and just try to meet the demands of raising 3 kids on my own with little help. There was help when I needed it most or when I put my pride aside and asked for it but I am not very good at doing that. I was really unable to think or even dream of wanting to take care of me. I had no choice in my mind but to make sure that the mere necessities were being covered. I thought that it would have been irresponsible and selfish for me to do something or anything for myself. 
I have not purchased myself anything new to wear in years unless I honestly did not have ANYTHING to wear. (I know what you are thinking...I am a girl and all girls say this.) I feel like I do not deserve it. I am really ashamed of the lack of clothing that I have in my closet and how everything has holes. In my mind I keep telling myself that I will buy something new when I have lost a little weight and I can buy a smaller size. But obviously I have not WANTED it bad enough. 
I have put up such a wall and have been able to justify being fat by saying things like:

"At least I am not an ugly fat person" 

"I may be fat but I am not stupid" 

"I don't let my weight define me"

I do believe what I say, but when I say those things I am giving myself a way out of WANTING to take care of myself. I think that it is ok, I know that I would like to be fit and smaller but that is just a hope.  I have to WANT to be fit and smaller. 
I do have to admit that I am glad that my kids have grown up with a fat mom. I am not lazy, I am not glued to my couch and I am not constantly eating! My kids have seen that FAT people are not any different that the skinny ones! They do not put a persons size ahead of their worth like many people do these days. So in a way that is another reason that I have not put shrinking higher on the priority list.  
I also know that one of my barriers for not losing the weight is that everyone around me puts such a crazy high value on being thin. They truly believe that if they were just a little smaller, had more definition, smaller legs, the scale was a lower number and on and on then they would all be happier. I feel like I have been saying "FORGET THIS! You can be fat AND happy!" And that is what I have done. I have heard things like "You won't find a good man unless you are thinner" HAHAHA to you...I was FAT when I found the man of my dreams! "You would make more money if you were thinner." What the hell does size have to do with money?! I know myself well enough to know that if you tell me I can't do something or I can't have something I am going to do it anyway just to show you that I can. So, I have shown that you can be fat AND happy. You can be fat AND meet a man that loves you for who you are. I have shown that you can be fat AND make good money. I have done that and now it is time to move on :)
I am really in my life at a point where I am searching for something to challenge me. I feel like I am beginning "A 3rd of the Way Through Life Crisis"...I am only 34 so that is not what I want for my mid life crisis age number. I WANT to make a change in me! I WANT to look on the outside how I feel on the inside. I WANT to join my kids outside playing. I WANT to go into a clothing store and find something to wear that is not in the plus section. (Let me tell you that there are no designers out there who know how to create beautiful clothes for plus sized women!!) I WANT to show my kids how you set a goal and achieve it. I WANT to  walk into a room again and have people look at who I really am and not for the fat woman that they feel sorry for. Trust me, people do look and say things when they think that you are not paying attention. I WANT to look great in yoga pants!! They are so comfy and right now they are just obscene on my larger butt and thighs LOL! I WANT to go and workout in the gym without people coming up to me and saying "Good job! Keep it up!" THAT DOES NOT HELP!! That makes me WANT to go home and never come back. 

SO...now to the reason for this blog. I am putting myself out there to really make a change in me. I WANT to be able to get feed back and support and I would love to be able to inspire. This was such an epiphany for me that I honestly want to do something for others as well. I know that as I go through this journey I will make mistakes, I will not always be in a happy mood BUT I am ALWAYS going to be me! No more hiding. No more trying to make things look better than what reality really is. This is me and this is My WANT Journey. 

I am going to be posting daily so that I can stay accountable. 

This is me...I will post more pics when I have someone here who can take some so that I have some great start pics. 

I am telling you..I WANT to be the best before and after pic the world has ever seen!!